I feel so tired…. I want to give up now… physically and emotionally, I’m all worn out… Maybe it’s wrong to hope that he’ll change someday… maybe it’s wrong to fight for myself because in the end he’ll be the same devil I knew… I will be forever locked with him… forever be tortured by the same man I gave my vows to…
“Lady… Lady Dara…”
I heard someone calling my name… does it mean I’m still alive…? Maybe I’m just exaggerating about dying… I know I won’t die just like that… but maybe it would be better if I did…
I slowly opened my eyes as I felt something warm touched my cheeks… I made a weak smile as I saw some of the maids surrounding me… they all looked worried… I feel so helpless and stupid… I hate it when people pity me… but right now I couldn’t help but to accept their sympathy… I feel so useless… incapable of protecting myself.
“Lady… you haven’t eaten yet since last night…”
One of the maids spoke… after she said that, I quickly felt the emptiness in my stomach together with my aching body.
“What time is it…?” I asked weakly
“It’s already time for lunch… we think you have to eat now to regain your strength…”
I noticed the first aid kit that they brought… slowly I reached for my bruised lips and felt the little band aid attached to it.
“Thanks…”
Is the only thing I could say… they already knew what I meant and they just bowed… gently, I tried to sit up… then an excruciating pain struck my lower abdomen.
“Uhhh…!”
I moaned in pain… the maids quickly went to me and supported me to sit up… I found my self only with my bra so I covered my body with the blanket… then there I realized that he’s not here anymore… well since when he waited for me to wake up…?
“Lady… The young master left last night… he told us to tend your wounds and prepare a hot bath for you after you wake up…”
One of the maids said… really…? He has the guts to say that…? His stomach took it when he said that…? Since when did he care for my aching body…? Is it the kindness I’ve been waiting for…? But no… after what he did, it’ll be impossible for a sudden kindness from him…
Then I remembered…! I have classes today…! I already skipped my morning classes…! And if I don’t attend the afternoon classes, it’ll be my second time skipping it…! So without any thinking, I grabbed the blanket to cover myself and quickly jumped out from the bed…
I forgot my aching body so as I made my first step, great pain tingled my whole body which caused me to crash down…
“Oh my God Lady…! You’re still weak…! You should just rest…”
They all went to help me and sat me again on the bed… I told them that I’ll definitely feel better after the hot bath… I can’t miss my class today… so even they don’t want me to go… in the end they helped me to stand up and get to the bathroom…
He really went far last night… my legs were both numb… I saw some blotches of my blood on the bed … my inner thighs felt like hell… the maids helped me to clean myself… I feel really filthy… he, my husband… raped me again…
I wanted to cry… but as much as I want to, nothing came out from my eyes… I don’t even care if the maids would see my pathetic self but tears won’t really come out… maybe even my eyes are too tired already from crying…
After a while… I told the maids to leave me for I could feel myself getting better… I want to drown myself in this tub… if I die now, would he be guilty…? Will it hunt him till he dies…?
As much as I want to hurt him back… I can’t… I don’t know… but I can’t… thinking that he’s already hurt and by me adding to his pain would be too much punishment for him… I’m so stupid… so weak that I can’t even decide for myself… so weak that I can’t make myself to get back to him.
After the long hot bath… I checked myself in the mirror… I pity the girl in front of me… I want to help her but I’m too frail to do that… maybe to others he’s the one torturing me… but in reality… I am the one who’s torturing myself… since when did I became a masochist…? Just by the thought of that, a bitter smile crept on my bruised lips.
I went to my closet and dressed up… I couldn’t even wear pants today because it’s still painful down there… instead I wore some yellow dress I found in my closet… the length is up to my knee which revealed the bruised I got yesterday… never in my life I have wished to collect bruises but I guess marrying a devil would make me to expect more.
I went back in front of the mirror and took off the band aid at the side of my lips... covering up the bruise with powder… I put on some blush on to cover up the paleness of my face… it’s never been my habit to prepare myself whenever I go out but I can’t also show the people how feeble I look like.
I sighed… another from my best habits… another day… I wonder what more pain this day would give me…?
I quickly went downstairs to eat… to fill myself up with the strength I would need to battle this new day… my stomach feels so empty and yet it won’t accept any food I take… I have to push everything by drinking water in each and every swallow I make… even by eating… it’s still a torture.
I went outside and Mr. Lee welcomed me with a warm and pitiable smile… I just gave him back a weak smile for that’s the only move my strength could give me… I didn’t spoke and quickly entered the car… It’s been a complete silence throughout the ride… I never liked silence but I’m too drained to speak…. It’ll still be a long day ahead, and I don’t want to waste the remaining strength I have.
We finally arrived… I bid goodbye without uttering a single word… just a nod and a weak smile… I’m sorry Mr. Lee but I’m too tired to be myself… I don’t know but once I made my way to the campus, people started to look at me… I just continued to walk my way trying to ignore their stares… I hated too much attention…
Back in abroad, it was my life to be the center of attention… it freaks me out but I can’t help but just go with the flow… I never thought that until here it would be the same… but still, why can’t I make new friends here…?
“So… you’re Kwon Jiyong’s wife…?”
Someone suddenly asked me when I took my seat on my class… the professor isn’t here yet… once I stepped in the room… people started to look at me just like what happened outside… I just ignored them all… I’m not trying to be cold but their stares make me so uncomfortable…
I realized that Youngbae isn’t in this class… I feel a little disappointed for aside from Jiyong, he’s the only person I know here… even if he’s a little weird, I still feel happy with his company… maybe this time… it’s my turn to seek for just a little attention.
I turned around to see who asked me that… I saw tanned cute girl with a long brown hair… her eyes were just tiny slits… which were very cute.
“Yes… I am…”
'Unfortunately'… I simply told her… I saw her lips turned into a big grin as she lifted her right hand and offered me a handshake… I looked at her hand then back to her face… and slowly I reached for her it and accepted her handshake… her hand’s so warm and soft… I felt like my strength suddenly boosts up… and my lips turned into a big smile .
“I’m Lee Chaerin… but you can call me CL…”
She said… our hands both parted but her grin didn’t vanish... then I realized, I have to tell her back my name.
“I- I’m Sandara… Dara… you can just call me Dara…”
I saw my other classmates looking at us… and as if they’re trying to listen with every word that I say, for everyone suddenly went quiet when I started to speak… Is this campus really this weird…?
“Oh… Sandara… what a unique name…! You’re so beautiful Dara…! No wonder Kwon Jiyong married you…”
She exclaimed it out loud enough for the whole class to hear… I slowly glanced around and saw some of them nodding in agreement while the others… I don’t know if it’s just me or did I really saw them raised their eyebrows and snubbed me.
‘You’re so beautiful…’
‘No wonder Kwon Jiyong married you…’
It keeps on ringing in my head… it’s not the first time I heard about it… if only CL knew if only those people knew… if she found the beauty in me… if the people inside this room found it too… I wonder why Jiyong never dared to appreciate that beauty …. I wonder why every time he looks at me… his eyes were full of hate and disgusts… only in his eyes, I feel like I’m the most hideous creature living.
Doesn’t she know that he has someone he loves…? And as if she read what I am thinking she suddenly continued.
“But Dara… about Jiyong-sshi’s-“
I saw her face turned into a worried one… But before she could tell me what she’s about to tell me, the professor came and everyone in the class went back to their normal routines… the class started but somehow I’m bothered with what CL wants to tell me…
After the whole five hours of class… it’s finally time to go home…I don’t want to go back there… it’s as if there’ll be something good that will happen once I go back home… I still didn’t get to see him this whole day…but it’s better to be that way than always being in pain whenever we see each other.
I’m grateful that somehow I found myself someone to talk to now… CL is really a nice person… does it mean I finally found a new friend…? We went outside the room together and walked our way out of the campus… she talked to me about different things… I can’t help but to also ask her about 'his' lover… at first she hesitated to tell me about it because she’s concerned about my feelings… but in the end I still manage to make her tell me things about 'her'.
So that’s why people in my college and in my class don’t want to approach me… they think that I stole him from her… even the people in this school loves her… I can't help but... It’s my first to really envy someone… maybe it's the time in my life to be hated by the people around me for something I didn't decide to happen.
“But how about you CL…? Don’t you think I also stole him from her…?”
I asked CL once we’re finally out of the campus… I saw her smile and reached for my hand.
“I don’t know… you tell me…?”
She said then she chuckled… she then held my hand tighter
“Just kidding… I know that you’re a good person… everyone of us has the point in their life wherein we’re stuck in a situation that we can’t escape to… I know that you didn’t plan everything that has been happening right now Dara… so I don’t have any rights to blame anyone especially you… everyone of us deserves happiness and I wish that even in your situation right now… you could still find the happiness that you deserves…”
Why…? Why does it feel like she could read me…? As far as I can remember, I only met her earlier… am I that shallow that anyone could read me…? Why does every of her word bring more pain to my already aching heart…?
Happiness…? Should I really deserve it now…? But he… who locked me made me feel that I don’t deserve it… everyone deserves happiness…? But I am not everyone… in the end there will be always an exception to that everyone…
“Thanks…”
My voice is shaking… I know I wanted to cry but until now, no tears wanted to come out… maybe they do not want to wash away these pain that I am feeling right now… my body is starting to torture itself once again…
“If you need someone… I’ll be just by your side Dara… I like you… I really do…”
She said… she then out of the blue… hugged me… this warmth… I’ve been missing this kind of warmth… the warmth of friendship that I’ve been craving for… please don’t go… please don’t let go… I wish this warmth would take away those cold pains and loneliness and exchange it to the happiness she’s been telling me about… so that I could convince myself that somehow I deserve it.
But no… that warmth is only temporary… she then released me from her hug… maybe it’s time for her to go… maybe my temporary warmth needs to go back to her life and me back to the prison I deserve to live.
“See you tomorrow Dara…”
She bids her goodbye… I just nodded and forced a weak smile… we went to separate directions as my mind still flowing somewhere… the sun is already setting out… but not like yesterday… I can’t feel the bitterness the sky has giving… maybe because of CL’s warm company that I didn’t feel the upcoming coldness of the night…
I started my tracks… totally feeling down that I have to go back to that place… is he going to be there…? I really don’t want to see him right now… Then suddenly… the silence of the place got broke when someone called me… well at least I think it’s me it’s calling.
“Hey…”
I looked back and saw him again… Youngbae… what is he doing here…?
“Hey…”
I answered back… he slowly went towards me… why is it whenever I see him… the sun always highlighted his beauty…? As the sun slowly set out, I saw the gentleness in his face… as the sun bids its goodbye the ginger color it gives brought out his strong features and yet he still looks so soft.
He stood in front of me… looking down at me as our eyes met… silence… it’s always been silence whenever our gazes meet…
“You skipped classes…”
He simply said still his eyes locked to mine…. Isn’t he going to ask me why…?
“Yes…”
Is the only thing I managed to say… he’s strange… definitely strange… then I saw his forehead creased as his eyebrows slowly connecting with each other as if he wanted to say something more…
“You really… look good in dress…”
“Thanks…”
Why is it that I can’t answer him more…? It feels like my tongue is twisted to produce more words… Silence again… as if he’s observing every breath that I take in and out… as if he’s reading something deep in my eyes… I can’t help but just let him do what he wants.
“See you tomorrow… Dara…”
And with that… he passed by me… without waiting for my answer… he just went away… as I saw his back slowly fading away… I found myself smiling… the way he spoke my name… it calmed every part of me… it feels like his voice is music to my ears… what a weird gentle guy he is.
Mr. Lee is waiting for me once I reached the car… I smiled to him as I made my way inside… and to my great disappointment… the devil himself is inside… I didn’t spoke a word… I quickly looked away… even a speck of his image… I never wanted to see…
“Lady… Lady Dara…”
I heard someone calling my name… does it mean I’m still alive…? Maybe I’m just exaggerating about dying… I know I won’t die just like that… but maybe it would be better if I did…
I slowly opened my eyes as I felt something warm touched my cheeks… I made a weak smile as I saw some of the maids surrounding me… they all looked worried… I feel so helpless and stupid… I hate it when people pity me… but right now I couldn’t help but to accept their sympathy… I feel so useless… incapable of protecting myself.
“Lady… you haven’t eaten yet since last night…”
One of the maids spoke… after she said that, I quickly felt the emptiness in my stomach together with my aching body.
“What time is it…?” I asked weakly
“It’s already time for lunch… we think you have to eat now to regain your strength…”
I noticed the first aid kit that they brought… slowly I reached for my bruised lips and felt the little band aid attached to it.
“Thanks…”
Is the only thing I could say… they already knew what I meant and they just bowed… gently, I tried to sit up… then an excruciating pain struck my lower abdomen.
“Uhhh…!”
I moaned in pain… the maids quickly went to me and supported me to sit up… I found my self only with my bra so I covered my body with the blanket… then there I realized that he’s not here anymore… well since when he waited for me to wake up…?
“Lady… The young master left last night… he told us to tend your wounds and prepare a hot bath for you after you wake up…”
One of the maids said… really…? He has the guts to say that…? His stomach took it when he said that…? Since when did he care for my aching body…? Is it the kindness I’ve been waiting for…? But no… after what he did, it’ll be impossible for a sudden kindness from him…
Then I remembered…! I have classes today…! I already skipped my morning classes…! And if I don’t attend the afternoon classes, it’ll be my second time skipping it…! So without any thinking, I grabbed the blanket to cover myself and quickly jumped out from the bed…
I forgot my aching body so as I made my first step, great pain tingled my whole body which caused me to crash down…
“Oh my God Lady…! You’re still weak…! You should just rest…”
They all went to help me and sat me again on the bed… I told them that I’ll definitely feel better after the hot bath… I can’t miss my class today… so even they don’t want me to go… in the end they helped me to stand up and get to the bathroom…
He really went far last night… my legs were both numb… I saw some blotches of my blood on the bed … my inner thighs felt like hell… the maids helped me to clean myself… I feel really filthy… he, my husband… raped me again…
I wanted to cry… but as much as I want to, nothing came out from my eyes… I don’t even care if the maids would see my pathetic self but tears won’t really come out… maybe even my eyes are too tired already from crying…
After a while… I told the maids to leave me for I could feel myself getting better… I want to drown myself in this tub… if I die now, would he be guilty…? Will it hunt him till he dies…?
As much as I want to hurt him back… I can’t… I don’t know… but I can’t… thinking that he’s already hurt and by me adding to his pain would be too much punishment for him… I’m so stupid… so weak that I can’t even decide for myself… so weak that I can’t make myself to get back to him.
After the long hot bath… I checked myself in the mirror… I pity the girl in front of me… I want to help her but I’m too frail to do that… maybe to others he’s the one torturing me… but in reality… I am the one who’s torturing myself… since when did I became a masochist…? Just by the thought of that, a bitter smile crept on my bruised lips.
I went to my closet and dressed up… I couldn’t even wear pants today because it’s still painful down there… instead I wore some yellow dress I found in my closet… the length is up to my knee which revealed the bruised I got yesterday… never in my life I have wished to collect bruises but I guess marrying a devil would make me to expect more.
I went back in front of the mirror and took off the band aid at the side of my lips... covering up the bruise with powder… I put on some blush on to cover up the paleness of my face… it’s never been my habit to prepare myself whenever I go out but I can’t also show the people how feeble I look like.
I sighed… another from my best habits… another day… I wonder what more pain this day would give me…?
I quickly went downstairs to eat… to fill myself up with the strength I would need to battle this new day… my stomach feels so empty and yet it won’t accept any food I take… I have to push everything by drinking water in each and every swallow I make… even by eating… it’s still a torture.
I went outside and Mr. Lee welcomed me with a warm and pitiable smile… I just gave him back a weak smile for that’s the only move my strength could give me… I didn’t spoke and quickly entered the car… It’s been a complete silence throughout the ride… I never liked silence but I’m too drained to speak…. It’ll still be a long day ahead, and I don’t want to waste the remaining strength I have.
We finally arrived… I bid goodbye without uttering a single word… just a nod and a weak smile… I’m sorry Mr. Lee but I’m too tired to be myself… I don’t know but once I made my way to the campus, people started to look at me… I just continued to walk my way trying to ignore their stares… I hated too much attention…
Back in abroad, it was my life to be the center of attention… it freaks me out but I can’t help but just go with the flow… I never thought that until here it would be the same… but still, why can’t I make new friends here…?
“So… you’re Kwon Jiyong’s wife…?”
Someone suddenly asked me when I took my seat on my class… the professor isn’t here yet… once I stepped in the room… people started to look at me just like what happened outside… I just ignored them all… I’m not trying to be cold but their stares make me so uncomfortable…
I realized that Youngbae isn’t in this class… I feel a little disappointed for aside from Jiyong, he’s the only person I know here… even if he’s a little weird, I still feel happy with his company… maybe this time… it’s my turn to seek for just a little attention.
I turned around to see who asked me that… I saw tanned cute girl with a long brown hair… her eyes were just tiny slits… which were very cute.
“Yes… I am…”
'Unfortunately'… I simply told her… I saw her lips turned into a big grin as she lifted her right hand and offered me a handshake… I looked at her hand then back to her face… and slowly I reached for her it and accepted her handshake… her hand’s so warm and soft… I felt like my strength suddenly boosts up… and my lips turned into a big smile .
“I’m Lee Chaerin… but you can call me CL…”
She said… our hands both parted but her grin didn’t vanish... then I realized, I have to tell her back my name.
“I- I’m Sandara… Dara… you can just call me Dara…”
I saw my other classmates looking at us… and as if they’re trying to listen with every word that I say, for everyone suddenly went quiet when I started to speak… Is this campus really this weird…?
“Oh… Sandara… what a unique name…! You’re so beautiful Dara…! No wonder Kwon Jiyong married you…”
She exclaimed it out loud enough for the whole class to hear… I slowly glanced around and saw some of them nodding in agreement while the others… I don’t know if it’s just me or did I really saw them raised their eyebrows and snubbed me.
‘You’re so beautiful…’
‘No wonder Kwon Jiyong married you…’
It keeps on ringing in my head… it’s not the first time I heard about it… if only CL knew if only those people knew… if she found the beauty in me… if the people inside this room found it too… I wonder why Jiyong never dared to appreciate that beauty …. I wonder why every time he looks at me… his eyes were full of hate and disgusts… only in his eyes, I feel like I’m the most hideous creature living.
Doesn’t she know that he has someone he loves…? And as if she read what I am thinking she suddenly continued.
“But Dara… about Jiyong-sshi’s-“
I saw her face turned into a worried one… But before she could tell me what she’s about to tell me, the professor came and everyone in the class went back to their normal routines… the class started but somehow I’m bothered with what CL wants to tell me…
After the whole five hours of class… it’s finally time to go home…I don’t want to go back there… it’s as if there’ll be something good that will happen once I go back home… I still didn’t get to see him this whole day…but it’s better to be that way than always being in pain whenever we see each other.
I’m grateful that somehow I found myself someone to talk to now… CL is really a nice person… does it mean I finally found a new friend…? We went outside the room together and walked our way out of the campus… she talked to me about different things… I can’t help but to also ask her about 'his' lover… at first she hesitated to tell me about it because she’s concerned about my feelings… but in the end I still manage to make her tell me things about 'her'.
So that’s why people in my college and in my class don’t want to approach me… they think that I stole him from her… even the people in this school loves her… I can't help but... It’s my first to really envy someone… maybe it's the time in my life to be hated by the people around me for something I didn't decide to happen.
“But how about you CL…? Don’t you think I also stole him from her…?”
I asked CL once we’re finally out of the campus… I saw her smile and reached for my hand.
“I don’t know… you tell me…?”
She said then she chuckled… she then held my hand tighter
“Just kidding… I know that you’re a good person… everyone of us has the point in their life wherein we’re stuck in a situation that we can’t escape to… I know that you didn’t plan everything that has been happening right now Dara… so I don’t have any rights to blame anyone especially you… everyone of us deserves happiness and I wish that even in your situation right now… you could still find the happiness that you deserves…”
Why…? Why does it feel like she could read me…? As far as I can remember, I only met her earlier… am I that shallow that anyone could read me…? Why does every of her word bring more pain to my already aching heart…?
Happiness…? Should I really deserve it now…? But he… who locked me made me feel that I don’t deserve it… everyone deserves happiness…? But I am not everyone… in the end there will be always an exception to that everyone…
“Thanks…”
My voice is shaking… I know I wanted to cry but until now, no tears wanted to come out… maybe they do not want to wash away these pain that I am feeling right now… my body is starting to torture itself once again…
“If you need someone… I’ll be just by your side Dara… I like you… I really do…”
She said… she then out of the blue… hugged me… this warmth… I’ve been missing this kind of warmth… the warmth of friendship that I’ve been craving for… please don’t go… please don’t let go… I wish this warmth would take away those cold pains and loneliness and exchange it to the happiness she’s been telling me about… so that I could convince myself that somehow I deserve it.
But no… that warmth is only temporary… she then released me from her hug… maybe it’s time for her to go… maybe my temporary warmth needs to go back to her life and me back to the prison I deserve to live.
“See you tomorrow Dara…”
She bids her goodbye… I just nodded and forced a weak smile… we went to separate directions as my mind still flowing somewhere… the sun is already setting out… but not like yesterday… I can’t feel the bitterness the sky has giving… maybe because of CL’s warm company that I didn’t feel the upcoming coldness of the night…
I started my tracks… totally feeling down that I have to go back to that place… is he going to be there…? I really don’t want to see him right now… Then suddenly… the silence of the place got broke when someone called me… well at least I think it’s me it’s calling.
“Hey…”
I looked back and saw him again… Youngbae… what is he doing here…?
“Hey…”
I answered back… he slowly went towards me… why is it whenever I see him… the sun always highlighted his beauty…? As the sun slowly set out, I saw the gentleness in his face… as the sun bids its goodbye the ginger color it gives brought out his strong features and yet he still looks so soft.
He stood in front of me… looking down at me as our eyes met… silence… it’s always been silence whenever our gazes meet…
“You skipped classes…”
He simply said still his eyes locked to mine…. Isn’t he going to ask me why…?
“Yes…”
Is the only thing I managed to say… he’s strange… definitely strange… then I saw his forehead creased as his eyebrows slowly connecting with each other as if he wanted to say something more…
“You really… look good in dress…”
“Thanks…”
Why is it that I can’t answer him more…? It feels like my tongue is twisted to produce more words… Silence again… as if he’s observing every breath that I take in and out… as if he’s reading something deep in my eyes… I can’t help but just let him do what he wants.
“See you tomorrow… Dara…”
And with that… he passed by me… without waiting for my answer… he just went away… as I saw his back slowly fading away… I found myself smiling… the way he spoke my name… it calmed every part of me… it feels like his voice is music to my ears… what a weird gentle guy he is.
Mr. Lee is waiting for me once I reached the car… I smiled to him as I made my way inside… and to my great disappointment… the devil himself is inside… I didn’t spoke a word… I quickly looked away… even a speck of his image… I never wanted to see…
No comments:
Post a Comment