I saw Taeyeon shifted her gaze towards me… and I quickly felt the tremors running down my spine as I saw the disgusted look on her face… I bit my lower lip and tried to look away as guilt slowly swallowed me…
How could such little selfishness bring me more pain in the end…?
And even though I don’t feel any regrets… still that guilt is slowly killing me…
Fantasies that are meant to just stay inside my mind…
His eyes… especially his love that will never be directed to me…
Am I not really worthy enough to at least feel a tinge of happiness…?
Maybe I really am not…
If it would mean having an unrequited feeling towards the man who already belongs to someone… I should have expected every consequences of this painful love… if only I could tell this shameless heart to stop from its foolishness, I had done it ages ago… but I can’t… too mute to even spoke to myself… too deaf to hear what reality has continuously been shouting me yet to only hear my heart’s rejoicing beats whenever he’s there… too blind to see others, too blind to see the pain I’ve inflicted to others for my eyes are only cast to see only him…
Up until now… I’m still frail… feeble to stand on my own… back then he was my pain, a torture that slowly kills me… but now, he became the strength that I need… his warmth that would quickly cure the coldness inside my being…and forever be a desire that I will never have…
“Taeyeon-ah… what are you doing here…?”
I heard Jiyong spoke… for a second I thought he wasn’t there… and thank God he was for I think would be suffocated from this guilt her gaze has been telling me to feel…
My gaze landed to Jiyong… I watched him as he slowly walked towards his lover… oh God…how much I just wanted to close my eyes for I think I know what will happen next… seeing him hold her… seeing him to just have his eyes on her… completely breaks my heart… but before I could even give myself a credit to do it… I saw him stood between Taeyeon and me…a fair distance between me and him… and between him and his lover…
He looked over his shoulder, enough for our eyes to meet for a while… enough for me to know that ‘he’s really there’…
‘What are you doing Jiyong…?’
“Why…? Can’t I visit my boyfriend now…?”
I gasped as I heard her sharp voice… as if rubbing salt on my already wounded heart…making me realize that it really is such a pity, for up until inside this mansion… I still don’t have a tinge of right to own a piece of him…
“Taeyo-..”
“Why…? Is it because you already have a wife, that I can’t visit you anymore…?”
I saw Jiyong’s fist formed into a fist… is he mad…?
“Stop it…” I heard Jiyong say… his voice was cold…and it scares me to hear that tone again but I can’t help but to just stand there… stiff on my spot watching and listening to them.
“Why Jiyong…? Am I not allowed in here anymore…?! Huh…?!”
“I said stop it…!”
I almost jumped when I heard him shout… no… this shouldn’t be happening… I never asked for any of this to happen… I only asked for a little happiness… I never wanted to ruin someone else’s relationship… and now I can’t help but to blame myself…I know I’m getting in between them…
I saw the surprise in Taeyeon’s face… and it pricked my insides when I see the tears that escaped her eyes… it brings back the memories of the day I almost break in front of everyone… being in the lowest point in front of ‘him’… I know how painful it is… but why am I only thinking of this right now… it’s all too late to even care about how she feels…
She then turned to me while all I could do is to just stand there, having my breath still caught up in my throat… I saw the tears that continuously streamed down her cheeks… what have I done…?
“Are you happy now..?”
--
Tayeon’s voice was shaking… she turned to Jiyong as she wiped off her tears, throwing him a glare before she stormed out of the mansion…
The two stood there for a while… both stiffened on their spot after what happened… Jiyong was surprised as to how he had reacted… never did he raise his voice to Taeyeon before…and now he wanted to slap himself for doing it and upon seeing the look on his lover’s face almost broke his heart…
Dara was no far from her husband’s state… confused as to what’s happening and wishing that’s it’s only just a nightmare for both of them…
Her lips parted… numbness took over her as she continuously gazed at her husband’s back… after a while, Jiyong stirred from his spot and gaze landed to where Taeyeon ran… Dara followed his gaze before she turned it back to Jiyong…
“Ji… Jiyong… I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to-…”
“It’s not your fault…”
He immediately cut her off as he faced her… but even though he said that, it still didn’t lessen the guilt inside of her… seeing the clear agony in his face, hearing that cold voice from him once again… how could she think that she’s not at fault… hearing his lover said those words to her earlier, how could she think that she’s not a nuisance between them…?
She slightly bit her lower lip… brows curved upon seeing that he couldn’t even look at her straight…
‘Im sorry…’
She kept repeating inside her mind… hoping that he would hear her pleads to be forgiven…
Finally, he looked up… their eyes managed to meet each other for a while before he looked away first… she heard him sighed before he spoke…
“Really… it’s not your fault… don’t think about it… I’m sorry if she acted that way…”
The coldness in his voice was far from being heard now as he looked at her with an apologetic look on his face…
She managed to curve out a slight smile… for she couldn’t do anything aside from that as of the moment… she saw him looked towards the entrance of the mansion once again before looking back to her wearing a hesitating expression on his face…
Is he asking for her permission…? She thought… Dara could just nod… confused as to what he wants… but she’s sure to herself that he should go to his lover… she looked back at Jiyong… wondering why he’s still wearing that look on his face but she remained quiet, afraid that she would betray herself and ask him to just not go…
“I’ll be back…”
She heard him speak with an obvious pain in his voice… felt the warmth pressed on her shoulder, only to see that it was his hand…
“I’ll just…-“
“It’s okay… you should go Jiyong…”
Giving credit to herself that her voice didn’t break as she managed to put lies on her words… he was taken aback for a bit… could only look at her while she tried not to be swayed away by his gaze… until after a while, his gaze finally softened…
“I’ll be back…”
He whispered before giving her an assuring smile… Dara could only smile back and nod her head… hiding the uneasiness she could feel inside…pushing herself to believe his words… despite the impossibility behind it…
She just stood there… keeping herself stable…watching him as he went away… watched as his figure vanished through the night… wearing a pained expression on her face… hands unconsciously formed into a tight fist, as slowly she could feel the stinging feeling inside her chest… as if her heart was being squeezed into pulp…
Again, she should have expected it… should have expected every pain that would come with it… but being feeble as she is now… how would she even expect herself to survive more pain that she would encounter, for even seeing him went away like that…feeling the slightest pain could already slowly kill her heart…
“Please come back…”
Finally…she heard herself mumbling those words that have been repeating inside her head… too late to be heard by him… too late for her to stop him from going…
--
“Taeyeon-ah… get in here… it’s cold out there…”
He called his lover from inside his car, following Taeyeon as she stride her way still crying her eyes out…
He frowned upon receiving nothing from her… as if she didn’t even hear him asking her over and over again… he gritted his jaw… and sighed… before he sped up his car, passing by her and blocking her way…
Taeyeon finally stopped and had her head bowed down as she continued to cry… and upon hearing Jiyong got out of his car, she looked up and threw him a glare before she tried escaping him only to be held on her shoulders and be pinned against his car…
“Let go of me..!”
She yelled as she struggled from his hold, useless for he’s stronger than her… he kept his silence… watching her with still a pained expression on his face…
She hit him everywhere… he took it without wincing in pain… soon, after a while she stopped… had her arms dropped on her sides, her head bowed down… she just cried…
“Taeyeon-ah…”
He finally called her with his gentle voice… only to hear her cries in return…
“Taeyeon-…”
“What’s happening to us Jiyong…?”
She finally spoke… voice was breaking and gaze still set on the ground… Jiyong’s brows curved in confusion upon hearing her statement…
“Tell me… why are you hurting me Jiyong…?”
His eyes widen… one of his hand finally let go of her arm as he held her chin and lift it to face him… guilt overcame him upon seeing her crying face…
“I’ve been trying to reach you the whole day… since last night I was worried as to where you are… you didn’t attend school today… you didn’t even told me why…”
She was choking by her own tears… while he could only watch and listen to her words…
“You always tell me everything you do Jiyong…! But why… since that woman came in the picture..! I feel that you’re slowly being distant from me… I feel like you’re not the Jiyong I know anymore… and now… seeing you with her…? What, all this time, you two were dating…? Why… why is this happening…?”
Her voice was full of disbelief…he could only hug her and caressed her back… cooing her from crying…
“That’s not true…” he whispered… even persuading himself with those words…
“Even Youngbae oppa…! He came up to me earlier… he was so mad blaming me for hurting that woman…!”
She pushed him away to face him before she continued…
“Tell me what she fed you turning you all to side her…?! Tell me what that b!tch did to make me look like the bad person here…?!"
“Taeyeon-ah..!”
He yelled making her stop from speaking more… eyes set looking at him… and upon realizing what she said, she bit her lower lip and looked away…
Jiyong was surprised by her words… never did he hear Taeyeon spoke of something ill against someone… and he admitted… he felt ‘hurt’ upon hearing her say those words against his wife…
He held her by her shoulder once again, making her face him… but she never look at him straight, having her eyes set to somewhere else…
“She did nothing wrong… it’s my entire fault… I was the one neglecting you…please don’t blame her to it… it was all me… I was…”
Taeyeon brought her gaze back to Jiyong, had her eyes widen and mouth slightly opened as something hit her…
“Don’t tell me… oh God Jiyong… don’t tell me you love her…?”
She said as her tears started to stream down her eyes once again… Jiyong was stunned by her words for a while… couldn’t speak to deny or to even agree with her words… and before he could even wake himself out from his trance… Taeyeon had already pulled him into a tight hug…
“Please… tell me it’s not true… Jiyong… you promised me..! Jiyong I love you…”
She said between her tears and that’s when Jiyong snapped out…remembering his promise to her…his eyes were blank as he stared ahead… he brought his arms up and slowly wrapped it around his lover’s frame…
“I love you… please… don’t leave me oppa… you promised me…”
Taeyeon was shaking… that’s when Jiyong’s gaze dropped and he sighed…
‘What the hell is wrong with me…?’
‘How could I hurt you like this Taeyeon…?’
He caressed the back of her head… rubbing his cheek against the side of it…
“I’m sorry… I won’t… I promise…”
He whispered…an obvious pain could be felt from his voice… for up until this moment… Dara’s pained expression when he said he will come back kept flashing inside his mind…
He could only close his eyes… leaned down and hugged his lover tight…
‘I’m sorry… I can’t…’
How could such little selfishness bring me more pain in the end…?
And even though I don’t feel any regrets… still that guilt is slowly killing me…
Fantasies that are meant to just stay inside my mind…
His eyes… especially his love that will never be directed to me…
Am I not really worthy enough to at least feel a tinge of happiness…?
Maybe I really am not…
If it would mean having an unrequited feeling towards the man who already belongs to someone… I should have expected every consequences of this painful love… if only I could tell this shameless heart to stop from its foolishness, I had done it ages ago… but I can’t… too mute to even spoke to myself… too deaf to hear what reality has continuously been shouting me yet to only hear my heart’s rejoicing beats whenever he’s there… too blind to see others, too blind to see the pain I’ve inflicted to others for my eyes are only cast to see only him…
Up until now… I’m still frail… feeble to stand on my own… back then he was my pain, a torture that slowly kills me… but now, he became the strength that I need… his warmth that would quickly cure the coldness inside my being…and forever be a desire that I will never have…
“Taeyeon-ah… what are you doing here…?”
I heard Jiyong spoke… for a second I thought he wasn’t there… and thank God he was for I think would be suffocated from this guilt her gaze has been telling me to feel…
My gaze landed to Jiyong… I watched him as he slowly walked towards his lover… oh God…how much I just wanted to close my eyes for I think I know what will happen next… seeing him hold her… seeing him to just have his eyes on her… completely breaks my heart… but before I could even give myself a credit to do it… I saw him stood between Taeyeon and me…a fair distance between me and him… and between him and his lover…
He looked over his shoulder, enough for our eyes to meet for a while… enough for me to know that ‘he’s really there’…
‘What are you doing Jiyong…?’
“Why…? Can’t I visit my boyfriend now…?”
I gasped as I heard her sharp voice… as if rubbing salt on my already wounded heart…making me realize that it really is such a pity, for up until inside this mansion… I still don’t have a tinge of right to own a piece of him…
“Taeyo-..”
“Why…? Is it because you already have a wife, that I can’t visit you anymore…?”
I saw Jiyong’s fist formed into a fist… is he mad…?
“Stop it…” I heard Jiyong say… his voice was cold…and it scares me to hear that tone again but I can’t help but to just stand there… stiff on my spot watching and listening to them.
“Why Jiyong…? Am I not allowed in here anymore…?! Huh…?!”
“I said stop it…!”
I almost jumped when I heard him shout… no… this shouldn’t be happening… I never asked for any of this to happen… I only asked for a little happiness… I never wanted to ruin someone else’s relationship… and now I can’t help but to blame myself…I know I’m getting in between them…
I saw the surprise in Taeyeon’s face… and it pricked my insides when I see the tears that escaped her eyes… it brings back the memories of the day I almost break in front of everyone… being in the lowest point in front of ‘him’… I know how painful it is… but why am I only thinking of this right now… it’s all too late to even care about how she feels…
She then turned to me while all I could do is to just stand there, having my breath still caught up in my throat… I saw the tears that continuously streamed down her cheeks… what have I done…?
“Are you happy now..?”
--
Tayeon’s voice was shaking… she turned to Jiyong as she wiped off her tears, throwing him a glare before she stormed out of the mansion…
The two stood there for a while… both stiffened on their spot after what happened… Jiyong was surprised as to how he had reacted… never did he raise his voice to Taeyeon before…and now he wanted to slap himself for doing it and upon seeing the look on his lover’s face almost broke his heart…
Dara was no far from her husband’s state… confused as to what’s happening and wishing that’s it’s only just a nightmare for both of them…
Her lips parted… numbness took over her as she continuously gazed at her husband’s back… after a while, Jiyong stirred from his spot and gaze landed to where Taeyeon ran… Dara followed his gaze before she turned it back to Jiyong…
“Ji… Jiyong… I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to-…”
“It’s not your fault…”
He immediately cut her off as he faced her… but even though he said that, it still didn’t lessen the guilt inside of her… seeing the clear agony in his face, hearing that cold voice from him once again… how could she think that she’s not at fault… hearing his lover said those words to her earlier, how could she think that she’s not a nuisance between them…?
She slightly bit her lower lip… brows curved upon seeing that he couldn’t even look at her straight…
‘Im sorry…’
She kept repeating inside her mind… hoping that he would hear her pleads to be forgiven…
Finally, he looked up… their eyes managed to meet each other for a while before he looked away first… she heard him sighed before he spoke…
“Really… it’s not your fault… don’t think about it… I’m sorry if she acted that way…”
The coldness in his voice was far from being heard now as he looked at her with an apologetic look on his face…
She managed to curve out a slight smile… for she couldn’t do anything aside from that as of the moment… she saw him looked towards the entrance of the mansion once again before looking back to her wearing a hesitating expression on his face…
Is he asking for her permission…? She thought… Dara could just nod… confused as to what he wants… but she’s sure to herself that he should go to his lover… she looked back at Jiyong… wondering why he’s still wearing that look on his face but she remained quiet, afraid that she would betray herself and ask him to just not go…
“I’ll be back…”
She heard him speak with an obvious pain in his voice… felt the warmth pressed on her shoulder, only to see that it was his hand…
“I’ll just…-“
“It’s okay… you should go Jiyong…”
Giving credit to herself that her voice didn’t break as she managed to put lies on her words… he was taken aback for a bit… could only look at her while she tried not to be swayed away by his gaze… until after a while, his gaze finally softened…
“I’ll be back…”
He whispered before giving her an assuring smile… Dara could only smile back and nod her head… hiding the uneasiness she could feel inside…pushing herself to believe his words… despite the impossibility behind it…
She just stood there… keeping herself stable…watching him as he went away… watched as his figure vanished through the night… wearing a pained expression on her face… hands unconsciously formed into a tight fist, as slowly she could feel the stinging feeling inside her chest… as if her heart was being squeezed into pulp…
Again, she should have expected it… should have expected every pain that would come with it… but being feeble as she is now… how would she even expect herself to survive more pain that she would encounter, for even seeing him went away like that…feeling the slightest pain could already slowly kill her heart…
“Please come back…”
Finally…she heard herself mumbling those words that have been repeating inside her head… too late to be heard by him… too late for her to stop him from going…
--
“Taeyeon-ah… get in here… it’s cold out there…”
He called his lover from inside his car, following Taeyeon as she stride her way still crying her eyes out…
He frowned upon receiving nothing from her… as if she didn’t even hear him asking her over and over again… he gritted his jaw… and sighed… before he sped up his car, passing by her and blocking her way…
Taeyeon finally stopped and had her head bowed down as she continued to cry… and upon hearing Jiyong got out of his car, she looked up and threw him a glare before she tried escaping him only to be held on her shoulders and be pinned against his car…
“Let go of me..!”
She yelled as she struggled from his hold, useless for he’s stronger than her… he kept his silence… watching her with still a pained expression on his face…
She hit him everywhere… he took it without wincing in pain… soon, after a while she stopped… had her arms dropped on her sides, her head bowed down… she just cried…
“Taeyeon-ah…”
He finally called her with his gentle voice… only to hear her cries in return…
“Taeyeon-…”
“What’s happening to us Jiyong…?”
She finally spoke… voice was breaking and gaze still set on the ground… Jiyong’s brows curved in confusion upon hearing her statement…
“Tell me… why are you hurting me Jiyong…?”
His eyes widen… one of his hand finally let go of her arm as he held her chin and lift it to face him… guilt overcame him upon seeing her crying face…
“I’ve been trying to reach you the whole day… since last night I was worried as to where you are… you didn’t attend school today… you didn’t even told me why…”
She was choking by her own tears… while he could only watch and listen to her words…
“You always tell me everything you do Jiyong…! But why… since that woman came in the picture..! I feel that you’re slowly being distant from me… I feel like you’re not the Jiyong I know anymore… and now… seeing you with her…? What, all this time, you two were dating…? Why… why is this happening…?”
Her voice was full of disbelief…he could only hug her and caressed her back… cooing her from crying…
“That’s not true…” he whispered… even persuading himself with those words…
“Even Youngbae oppa…! He came up to me earlier… he was so mad blaming me for hurting that woman…!”
She pushed him away to face him before she continued…
“Tell me what she fed you turning you all to side her…?! Tell me what that b!tch did to make me look like the bad person here…?!"
“Taeyeon-ah..!”
He yelled making her stop from speaking more… eyes set looking at him… and upon realizing what she said, she bit her lower lip and looked away…
Jiyong was surprised by her words… never did he hear Taeyeon spoke of something ill against someone… and he admitted… he felt ‘hurt’ upon hearing her say those words against his wife…
He held her by her shoulder once again, making her face him… but she never look at him straight, having her eyes set to somewhere else…
“She did nothing wrong… it’s my entire fault… I was the one neglecting you…please don’t blame her to it… it was all me… I was…”
Taeyeon brought her gaze back to Jiyong, had her eyes widen and mouth slightly opened as something hit her…
“Don’t tell me… oh God Jiyong… don’t tell me you love her…?”
She said as her tears started to stream down her eyes once again… Jiyong was stunned by her words for a while… couldn’t speak to deny or to even agree with her words… and before he could even wake himself out from his trance… Taeyeon had already pulled him into a tight hug…
“Please… tell me it’s not true… Jiyong… you promised me..! Jiyong I love you…”
She said between her tears and that’s when Jiyong snapped out…remembering his promise to her…his eyes were blank as he stared ahead… he brought his arms up and slowly wrapped it around his lover’s frame…
“I love you… please… don’t leave me oppa… you promised me…”
Taeyeon was shaking… that’s when Jiyong’s gaze dropped and he sighed…
‘What the hell is wrong with me…?’
‘How could I hurt you like this Taeyeon…?’
He caressed the back of her head… rubbing his cheek against the side of it…
“I’m sorry… I won’t… I promise…”
He whispered…an obvious pain could be felt from his voice… for up until this moment… Dara’s pained expression when he said he will come back kept flashing inside his mind…
He could only close his eyes… leaned down and hugged his lover tight…
‘I’m sorry… I can’t…’
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